There were lots of tough moments. Times when I wrestled with how things were. I'll never forget walking around the garden feeling like an ancient old woman, determined to pick some flowers for Surya, the main building... Going so slowly.
As if I am walking through a painful layer of treacle.
All I wanted to do was pick some bloody sunflowers on a beautiful sunny day, to do something that makes me happy. And I'm doing my strange slow walk, strategically placing vases and picked flowers at points in the garden to minimise the need to walk any further than is really necessary (with any luck I will be a master of the laws of time and motion after all this). It is one of those bright, brilliant, crisp warm New Zealand autumn mornings. And I am, again, trying not to cry. I have been here more times before than I can count and I am so tired of it.
Atma Vidya a wise, sparkly Sannyasa in her early seventies who is running a chanting retreat walks by and asks how I am doing. We have chat... "Remember Jess, if it's happening, it is meant to be happening". This is slightly different from the somewhat infuriating 'everything happens for a reason' trope that could be true but I don't find terribly helpful (that's a polite way of saying it makes me want to punch someone). I still struggle with it. We talk about the nature of the mind. I talk about the struggle to accept that this could in any way be 'meant' to be happening. That every time I celebrate the use of my body coming back to me it seems to get snatched away again.
Then in the middle of our talk, I'm half crouching as I can't stand and probably not sitting to avoid a wet bottom from the grass.... the neighbours cat decides to jump on my back and sit there. And well, it feels a bit bizarre, but we keep our conversation going, Bhakti the cat getting comfortable. I'm half laughing half crying at this stage.
Later on, after time for it to sink in, after her words pass through a few layers of annoyance and perplexity, I find what Atma Vidya says incredibly helpful.
If it is happening, then it is meant to be happening. Or even, if it is happening then it is.... happening. It simply... is. And to rail against what is is one sure path to madness.
I cannot make a moment, a single moment of this life I am given, 'wrong'. Painful, frustrating, sad: maybe. But never wrong.
An ME/CFS Thriver